Missing an Old Friend...

Reminiscing about my childhood feels nice, but I feel a little guilty for falling out of touch with that kid I used to hang out with. We sort of got lumped together somehow by other people because they liked the way our names sounded together: Cody and Dakota. I know that sounds silly but seriously I’m pretty sure that’s why we started talking to each other in class to begin with. 

He had a crazy fun imagination and I thrived off of it. We made up stories together and acted out adventures and even when we got into middle school we still had stories we would construct together and write out.

When we got into our last year of middle school my depression had started to surface and I sort of fell back as far as academic success is concerned. Before that we’d been in the gifted program together and I guess our schedules became totally separated once we got into high school because of that. He would have surely gone on to do all of the honors or advanced placement classes that he could get, and I just stuck with the normal classes and even took some of the dumbed down ones from then on out. 

I know that’s just an excuse and we could have found a way to meet up before or afterschool or something to make it work, but I got lazy. I got tired. And after a while I didn’t even check my e-mails or messages on other sites we were on together. 

I really miss writing those stories with him though. He made action/horror/suspense/adventure stories that were so cool and developed that I almost believed he’d gotten some of the ideas from experience. 

Wish I could write like that.

I miss high school.

I miss high school.

I miss not having to think too hard about why haven’t I moved out or just joined the military or something by now. I didn’t have to worry so much about finding a job. High school was full of shit people and shit work though. 

On second thought, I miss elementary school. I miss simple lessons and feeling like a part of a group. And recess! Being free to go basically anywhere without a schedule like I can right now should feel like that but it doesn’t. 

I miss when I used to actually hang out with kids my age and play and laugh and smile. I miss days out in the sun in the playground surrounded by trees and teachers and seeing things that weren’t there and the amazement of it and how it didn’t scare me to see that thing that shouldn’t have been there and it was just me and one other kid who could see it so we’d flaunt our findings in front of other kids.

I can’t really remember what it was that him and I used to “see”… those memories are really hazy.

I'm okay, right?

My parents are starting to think it’s a little weird how upset I got over the disappearance of the neighbor’s kid. They also are beginning to think it’s weird that I’m staring out the window at the neighbor’s backyard. They think I’m disturbed, I bet. They know I’m disturbed. 

Their daughter isn’t right.

no no no no no

You’ve got to be FUCKING KIDDING ME

Is it because I said something? Is it because I said something about Slendy showing up for seemingly no reason that made me want to give him reason for being there therefore giving him thought power and REASON?

A kid died. Well, that’s not what they said on the news. On the news they said a “child went missing”. 

Vanished. Poof. It was my neighbor’s little boy… yes the neighbor’s whose house I used to see the Slenderman lurking behind. Maybe I somehow caused this to happen by questioning things? It took him long enough to make a move so now I feel like it probably wasn’t just something he had said “oops, I forgot I was going to abduct this kid! Let me go back and grab ‘im!” No, I feel like I did this. 

Did I do this? Is that how thought forms work? Taking the words a little TOO FUCKING LITERALLY FOR COMFORT. I THOUGHT that it was weird that the Slenderman was just randomly there a couple of months ago. I THOUGHT that maybe he was there thinking about taking someone else from one of the neighbor’s houses. And so life FORMED that idea into a child mysteriously vanishing one morning back into the little swamp at the dead end of our street? THAT’S NOT OKAY.

Oh gods I did this didn’t I? I don’t have that kind of power though, right? My thoughts alone couldn’t have that kind of power. He was going to anyways BUT WHY SO LATE. It was me. Shit it was me.

It’s not right. It’s not fair. That poor family. Those poor parents. Those parents will probably never see their son again. That family will never be the same again. They won’t get to have family dinners or spend the holidays together. What about Mother’s day? What about Father’s day? Their plans for his future? He was only seven! The kid was only seven and now he will only ever be seven. When his birthday rolls around there won’t be a happy gathering of his friends and presents around a candle covered cake that says happy birthday you little eight year old ball of happiness and energy and promise, NO! 

He’s gone.

He’s gone and it’s probably actually my fault. 

Oh shit I should have been the one to get hurt. I’m the one questioning all of this stuff. I thshould have been me. It shouldhavebeen me.

Feeling a Little Alive

Getting out and actually doing something today was nice. I decided to break down and go thrift store shopping for some clothes that will actually fit me now without me looking like a slob.

There are so many thrift stores around this area: Two Goodwills, Three CHKDs, two Salvation Army stores, and one DAV thrift store though I try to leave the Salvation Army stores off of my list because I’ve heard some rumors about them doing some pretty awful things. I forgot how nice just driving around with the windows rolled down felt. It’s been warm enough to be t-shirt weather some days recently, but then other days we’ve been getting snow threats. I’ve been living in this place for over ten years and I’m still not used to this. Good old Virginia weather. “Welcome to Virginia Beach, where the weather’s made up and the seasons don’t matter!” 

I know I’m not the only one who remembers Whose Line is it Anyway. 

I just realized I probably should be posting shit like this to my other blog, but I figured I could post it here too as just sort of a status update. Basically today has gone well. No unusual sightings or hearing anything strange. Trying on short sleeved shirts and seeing the scars on my arm from when the Rake got me what feels like forever ago kind of pissed me off when I was shopping earlier, but the rage passed quickly enough. I’m surprised at myself actually that I’ve been able to keep my mood this good today.

The house smells like paint because my mom thought it would be a good idea to repaint the dining room. I love the smell of paint. But this does mean that they took down the curtains and now I remember just how big and scary those windows are in that room at night. I’m afraid that I’ll have to go to the bathroom or something once everyone else is asleep and I’ll end up walking past those windows and seeing something and screaming and waking up my parents. 

Like what if I see the Slenderman again? He was only out there those couple of times that month this past winter but still I have to wonder why he was there.It couldn't have been me he was after he would have gotten me already. Maybe it was someone else nearby and I just happened to see it because I'd been on the lookout for creepy things anyway? 

Gonna stop thinking about it for a little while. Things have been going good lately, at least as far as not having anything along the lines of a horror movie plot happening to me. I wonder if I can keep this up or if I've just doomed myself by mentioning that things have been going well. I guess we'll all know what happened if I end up posting a rant about me getting hurt or something. 

Hopefully that won't happen though. I'm tired of sounding like a whining brat.

Another useless apology among other things

Sorry for not having updated in a while. Yeah, I know most of you reading this if you ever find this blog won’t even be aware of the passage of time, but still I feel like apologizing. I know that when I go back through my own journals it always seems silly me apologizing for time gaps on every other page.

Anyways,

I’ve been off of my medication for a while. I didn’t bother telling my parents but they probably have noticed that the amount of pills left in the bottle hasn’t changed in a couple of months. Or maybe they haven’t. But basically I’ve been laying around doing not much of anything productive. I haven’t had a run in with the Rake in a while so I’m guessing it’s off tormenting the other people who run these other blogs I found. Though… I’m really not sure if all of them (or any of them) are legit. I remember reading through one that actually had credits at the end. So… yeah. 

The past couple of months have dragged on slowly. I forgot how sluggish I got when not medicated. I’ve had many days where I would wake up late in the morning and just immediately pull my laptop onto the bed and start reading through people’s blogs until my parents would call me upstairs to get food around dinnertime. I got past the initial upset I felt at people faking experiences and joking about these Fears, and now I can actually honestly say that I’ve enjoyed some of them for what they are: stories. The Fear Mythos would be really interesting and fun and I might have even been one of those people to try and write my own fearblog.

Except for the fact that I’m already writing this blog here.  Makes me wanna scream.

Reading those other blogs makes me want to pick mine apart as if it were some fucked up story that I got stuck as a character in. And picking apart this blog as if it were fiction makes me question some things.

 Like, why the hell was the Slenderman in my neighbor’s backyard? If I were reading someone else’s story I would probably call bullshit and say that they were just throwing in an arbitrary slendy-sighting to hype up the plot and set the mood or something, but I actually fucking saw him there for no goddamned reason at all? And I haven’t seen him since! Some of the blogs have this “game” or something going on or there are like rivalries and stuff between the Fears that explain why some show up around the others for no reason, and a lot of people like to say that the Slenderman keeps tabs on what the Rake does for some reason or another.  Maybe that’s what he was up to? I don’t know. 

I’m glad I haven’t seen either of those creatures outside lately though. My parents just had a big talk with me yesterday about how “we know you’re dealing with a lot of medical and emotional things right now, but you still need to not sit around on your computer all day.” So basically I’m going to have to go job hunting here in the next couple of days. Getting out should make me feel like a human again, but I can’t say I’m not scared that I’ll see something on the streets that I don’t want to ever see again. 

I’m about to go and re-read my blog. Maybe I can find more ways to pick it apart… I’ve got nothing better to do right now. Well, that’s a lie I have plenty more productive things I could be doing (job hunting, research/reading, beading, making up bullshit to post on that other blog so my parents will have something to feed off of for a while). But why do something productive when I could sit around back-tracking?